Hello :-)
We’re here at my
fifth entry for The Incredible Suit’s BlogAlongAStarWars. Join me in this
increasingly ridiculous exercise as I learn to appreciate this hallowed series
and distract myself from the slow trickle of time working its way through my
own personal hourglass.
So after the
bitter disappointment that was Phantom
Menace, let’s crack on with Attack of
the Clones shall we?
Set 10 years
after the events of Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones opens with rumours
of a separatist movement threatening to break up the Senate. Meanwhile a plot
is underway to assassinate former Queen and current Senator Padmé Amidala
(Natalie Portman). Anakin (Hayden Christensen) is given an assignment to protect
her whilst Obi-Wan goes searching for a mysterious bounty hunter.
I realise these
reviews are now going to start resembling the story of a failed relationship;
the kind where it all starts off wonderfully and then half way through
something awful happens and you should have ended it but you carry on because
you thought maybe it was a one off and eventually it all goes horribly wrong
and you’re left alone, crying, sitting in your pyjamas for an entire weekend,
surviving off wine and Cookie Dough Ice Cream eaten straight from the tub… or
at least that’s how I imagine that relationships break down, because that’s
obviously never happened to me…
I went into Attack of the Clones thinking that maybe
it would be better than the last one. How foolish I was.
It’s actually
fitting that there’s a protracted scene on a factory conveyor belt towards the
end because that’s exactly how this films feels like it was put together; on an
assembly line. I can practically see them with a list of stuff they have to include;
forced friendship, tedious romance, obligatory space fight and a metric fuck
tonne of lightsabres.
In the entire 2
hours 20 minutes of the movie, evidence of Obi-Wan and Anakin’s friendship
never materialises. All they have is that scene in the lift where they joke (I
use the term in it’s loosest sense…) about falling in “a nest of Gundarks” and
from then on all they do is bitch about each other for the duration of the
movie. How is this helping to engross us in their plight when all they do is whinge
about each other for the whole film?!
The cast are,
again, on universal poor form. At least Ewan McGregor is marginally less
dick-ish than last time and when he is he has a reason to because Anakin’s a
prick. The casting of Samuel L Jackson was a ridiculous decision, whoever
thought of casting the man who excels in OTT, borderline batshit roles as the
calm, collected Mace Windu clearly owes everyone an apology.
In the spirit of
fairness I must admit I enjoyed some of the action scenes. The flying chase around
Coruscant, the coliseum scene, they’re fun. The coliseum in particular, where
Padmé, Obi-Wan and Anakin are handcuffed and chained to columns, I really
liked. Padmé got to show that she can
handle herself and the Jedi’s were forced to evade beasties without the use of
their lightsabres. I like that, I wish there was more of that, that’s what
makes it such a shame when they bottle it and turn the remainder of the scene
into a lightsabre orgy.
And now onto the
ill-fated romance on which so much of the Vader lore hangs. I struggle to think
of a less convincing screen couple than Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen,
if it was possible to have minus screen chemistry these guys would be at about -273.15°c.
Absolute fucking zero. But they’re two attractive humans frolicking in a
beautiful green-screen field, so in Lucas’s mind that passes for love.
Aside from the
fact they both look like Topshop models why exactly are they ‘in love’? Anakin
gives off nothing but creeper vibes from the start of the film. “I don’t think
she liked me watching her” OF COURSE SHE DIDN’T! YOU’RE CREEPY AS FUCK! Then
there’s his constant bitching about his mentor, undermining of Amidala’s plans
for her own security, endorsement of fascist dictatorships, batshit Tuskan
murder sprees and all-round general twattery.
But she’s
equally weird, what’s with her protestations that she can’t be with him because
she’s a Senator? Are Senators celibate in this universe too? Is ANYONE allowed
to have sex in this galaxy?!?! And lest we forget Padmé’s stone cold delivery
of “I truly deeply love you”… actually, he’s a sociopath and she’s human beige,
maybe Lucas was right, they belong together.
Not to get too
first-world-problemsey on you but I really struggled to write this one. It took
me three sittings to watch the film (I’ve done all the others in 1) and when it
came down to it I couldn’t bring myself to write it up, hence why this is
almost two weeks late. I’m not one of those people who delight in tearing a
film to shreds; movies make me happier than any other art form. If I’m at the
pictures or at home I love the ritual of getting your sundries, sitting down
and devoting yourself to a film for two hours. I couldn’t do that with Attack of the Clones. I’d start with the
best of intentions but it felt like it was draining me, like a cinematic
Dementor.
One more to go
before The Force Awakens. I find it
difficult to see how you could disappoint me Abrams, if all you have to do is
be better than the prequels, the bar is so very, very low…
Final Thoughts
1: Have I missed something or was it ever established why Jedi’s can’t have a
love life? I always thought they were all like mediaeval knights (you know,
because Jedi KNIGHTS) rather than monks…
Final Thoughts
2: How, after the events of episode 1, is Nute Gunray not in prision, let alone
in charge of important senate shit?!?!
Surprise
Discovery: It’s ok Rose Byrne, don’t worry Joel Edgerton, you’ll both go on to do
far better things.
Goodbye till
next time :-)
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